AlohaTube Granny

The wisdom of our oldest humans is not as respected as it once was. No longer does the tribe look to its elders for guidance and advice. We would rather listen to mildly attractive dumbasses than look at a wrinkle no matter how informed it is. Evolution made us successful, not necessarily brilliant. Myself, though, I like to trust the wise words of the ancients.

One can receive all the schooling on earth, but it doesn't equate to the value of experience, and there's only one way to do that. You have to be alive for a long time. There's no replacement for the ticking of the clock. I can try to tell a bitch how to suck my cock until I become blue in the face, but she's not going to get it until my dick skin is against her lips.

Sometimes I don't mind teaching some young dumb cunt what to do when a member is in front of her face, but other times I want a bitch who already knows what she's doing. One who knows how to cup the balls and work the tip. One who understands the importance of working both hands and mouth. One who knows how to suppress her gag reflex and accept a cock all the way down to her belly button.

When I need a bitch who already comes trained, I start looking for the infirmed. You can't question a bitches age when she is using a walker. Once the legs and spine age out of proper function, you know the mouth is at its prime. Nothing can replace the skills eighty years of cock sucking can give you. The first time this bitch sucked a cock in was in the movie theater, watching a silent film. You could hear the gagging from the ticket booth. It sounded like someone winding up their Duesenberg for a cross-country trip.

You don't even know what these old bitches are capable of. They know crazy-ass moves young bitches have never even heard of. Or if they have heard of them, they aren't brave enough to attempt doing them. Young pretty cunts are scared of getting their hands dirty. They don't want to be covered in cum and shit. But, on the other hand, old bitches couldn't give less of a fuck. Ethel already shit herself this morning, so adding a little more brown to the mix won't hurt a thing.

Jumping Jehoshaphat Henry Ford!

I have had the pleasure of experiencing many of the old-school maneuvers the aged offer as part of their sexual services, so I figured I could bless you with some of my favorites. The jumping Jehoshaphat can't be performed by every old bitch. The lady can't be immobilized, but they have to be fucked up enough to need a cane. This is most commonly used as foreplay or to let a man know the mouth is up for grabs. All Gertrude does is use the curved part of her cane to reach under your balls and get into your asshole, turning it into a handle she can use to bring your cock closer to her mouth. Given her lack of mobility, it would take her a while to get to you, so you have to go to her. It got its name because it causes lesser men than me to jump in the air and scream, "jumping Jehoshaphat!" Or at least it did sixty years ago.

It's rare to see the Ford model T production line pulled off in modern nursing homes. Nowadays, homes are so worried about being sued that they don't allow residents any freedom. Plus, all the drugs are kept locked up now, and drugs were always an integral part of a successful Ford Model T production line.

You will need a couple of supplies to pull this move off, but you should be able to source everything from the nursing home itself, although sometimes I bring my own rope. First, get yourself a stretcher from a nurse and make sure it's the kind that can stand up vertically. Go ahead and tie the rope to the head and test to ensure strength. Next, take your old people and line them up, double-file, with enough space in between to allow the stretcher to pass.

If you're lucky, you can convince one of the healthier males to pull the rope, but more than likely, you will need to create a pulley so you can pull yourself forward. Alternatively, pay one of the orderlies to give you a pull. There's always a couple of guys that will say yes. It's a rule of the universe that ten percent of old people's home employees are perverts.

Lay yourself down on the bed and begin to pull yourself forward. The first old bitches you pass will apply lube. The next few rows will massage your balls to get your cock hard. Then for each subsequent row, the person on the left jerks you off while the person on the right sucks your cock. You want to start with the least skilled and most infirmed so you can work your way up to the talented and spry, except for the final cunt.

Once you get to the end of the row, you swing yourself vertically, bringing the oldest and least functional bitch in the nursing home into view. She will be bent over the med cart she just stole a week's supply of catheter lube from since this bitch has been dry as a bone since Reagan. Check her pulse before sticking it in to ensure she didn't snap her spine applying the lube. Slide that stiff rod of yours in and paint her insides with your sticky cum. No need to pull out of old Agnes. She hasn't had an egg drop since seeing the Rat Pack live in concert.

While I couldn't find any Ford Model T production line footage on Aloha tube, they still have a superb collection of high-quality granny porn for your viewing pleasure. Of course, they aren't the only site with a granny section, but these might be the oldest bitches I've ever seen in porn.

Often, granny porn can be a bit misleading. They will end up looking more like older MILFS as opposed to full-blown grannies. Well, here on Alohatube, though, these cunts are dusty, wrinkly, and on death's doorstep. I'm not even sure where they find these bitches. What happened in these old cunts' lives led them to be modeling for porn in the last years of their lives. Nursing homes aren't cheap, I suppose.

A Whole Cemetary Full of Content

You never have to worry about running out of elderly sluts on Alohatube. The granny category has over one hundred sixty-six thousand videos, and the whole site has thirteen and a half million videos. These guys don't fuck around. They added seventy thousand more videos just last fucking week.

Much of the granny content is what I like to call ghost content, which is to say the cunt in the video is already dead. That means the ghost of Dorothy could be watching you stroke your cock to her graven image. If you're lucky, you might get a little ectoplasm lubricated hand job from a spectral entity. That sounds awfully exciting.

You don't collect thirteen and a half million porn videos without having a decent website to put them on. Alohatube keeps things simple to focus on stuffing each page with plenty of thumbnails. There's no main menu. Instead, it's just a page counter along with a button to change the display from top-rated movies over to new movies.

If you don't believe these are the oldest bitches in porn, check out "Sexy Grandma Masturbate" or, better yet, "Amateur Compilation of Grannies Ready to Play with…." By god. I struggle to imagine some of these bitches are even alive in these pictures, but, alive or not; I bet those pussies smell like death.

Much of the old bitch content on Alohatube is old vs. young-based. I have to know how much some of these younger male actors are being paid to fuck these cunts. No matter what it is, I can't imagine that it's enough. It probably doesn't even cover the cost of the Viagra required for the guy to get hard.

If you love stinky old cunts, then Alohatube is your sacred space. They found the oldest and most frail bitches senile enough not to know they had naked videos taken of them.

There's definitely room for improvement. Was I part of the admin staff, I would push for the addition of a subcategory menu so I can hunt directly for shit like fat old cunts or ebony old cunts.

These bitches could die any second. Wouldn't you like them to die knowing that dudes still love jerking off to them?