HYDOLL

Say “Hi, doll” to Hydoll, a company making the kind of lady-shaped playthings that you’d never buy for your niece. Well, most people wouldn’t, but I guess the dolls might have some educational value if you try hard enough. They are anatomically correct, after all. Honestly, though, I bet very few of you will be willing to share these toys with anyone else. The last time I loaned out a love doll, she came back with her vagina full of dried out, crusty sperm. I spent a whole day cleaning her out, and I’m no longer on speaking terms with my dad.

Hydoll.com was founded in 2016, and they’ve since become one of the most popular purveyors of super-realistic sex dolls. They’ve shipped nearly 20,000 units now, which doesn’t sound like the hugest number until you consider the size, cost and quality of these life-size fuck bags. It ain’t like they’re moving units of little-dick dildos modeled after your own micropenis; these things are a serious investment of time, effort and money. That said, these guys do offer a range of products, and some of them might be right in your budget. My homemade sex-bot project sent me to the ER again last weekend, so I’m checking out the site today in the hopes I’ll find something a little safer and a lot sexier. Wish me luck!

Even Better Than My Girl, Karen

If any of you guys have been tuning in to watch me bang pornstars over at PornDudeCasting, you may be familiar with Karen, who’s usually chilling off to the right of my casting couch. She was advertised as having a fuckable face and bonable fake twat, which I guess is technically true. Last week, Paige Owens stopped by and pushed Karen’s head onto my cock. It was certainly a type of sensation, if I’m being honest, but that’s about all I can say about it.

The thing is, Karen’s just your old-fashioned blowup doll. There are dudes who fuck these things, sure, but let’s be honest: they’re often a gag gift between guys with pervy senses of humor. I’d never be able to pop a boner just looking at her. Not a single part of Karen looks, feels or fucks realistic.

That ain’t the case with Hydoll, who seem to have been bred somewhere in the uncanny valley. Their dead eyes and sometimes inhuman sheen gives them away as synthetic, but goddamn, these fake bitches are hot! They’re built with pretty faces and shapely bodies, which cover the whole damn front page of the site.

When realistic sex dolls first hit the market, the options were limited. These days, you may just find your dream girl in sex doll form on Hydoll, in stock and ready to ship. There is a truly wide variety of fake women, as well as some men and disembodied sex torsos. The selection on just the front page includes tiny, flat-chested 100cm teens, huge-breasted thick chicks, sultry anime girls, big-booty goddesses and Asian beauties.

Choosing between hundreds of Hydolls could get a little overwhelming, but the site is designed to help you find your ideal doll easily. Tabs in the header let you browse by body type, including BBW, Pregnant and Big Booty; Race, which includes American, Asian, Black, Anime and Robot; Material, either TPE or silicone; as well as height, breast size or price. If you’ve already got some familiarity with realistic sex dolls, you can also browse by brand. They’ve got dolls from a big handful of manufacturers. These include Aotume, FJ Doll, Irontechdoll, 6YE and Aibei.

If you’ve been doing any homework about buying a realistic sex doll, I’m sure you’ve read a bit about the logistics of shipping a sex doll. They typically ship out of Asia, which means you’ve got some wait times to look forward to, not to mention some potential import fees. If you’re in a serious hurry to get your new toy, though, you could always browse Hydoll.com’s selection of local dolls. They’ve got a limited selection of dolls in the US and Australia, both ready to start making the journey your way ASAP.

How Much is That Sex Doll in the Window?

Unless you’ve got some seriously fat pockets, buying a Hydoll is kind of a big decision. This ain’t going to be an impulse purchase. For many of you, price is going to be one of your very foremost concerns. Hey, I feel you, which is why I started browsing the catalog by price. I was pleasantly surprised by some of the offerings filed under Cheap Sex Dolls, which start at around $379 USD. If you just need a fuckable silicone torso, there’s one available for under a hundo.

There’s a bit of a catch, though: all the $379 models are tiny. If you’d prefer a full-sized woman to a silicone loli, you can expect to pay at least $700 on the low end. At the opposite end of the spectrum, the most expensive female love doll I found on Hydoll.com was a $3,354 babe with a whole lot of customization options. (There’s also a male doll for $3,988.) If cost is not an issue, you really can have your dream girl made from scratch, hand-selecting features like skin tone, eye color, hair, breasts and pubes. You can even add a ding-dong if you want your own futanari living under your bed.

Since we’re on the topic of price, it’s probably a good time to mention the shipping. Their shipping page talks about the usual issues like import duties and taxes, and then gets a bit vague about the actual cost of shipping. Naturally, it’s going to depend on things like your location, the doll’s location and whether you want expedited shipping, but free shipping is available in many cases. They use DHL, Fedex and UPS.

Hydoll.com has a pretty standard return policy for a sex doll site. They list a “Satisfaction guarantee” which doesn’t guarantee your satisfaction at all, but does guarantee your doll shows up in good, fuckable condition. There are no refunds unless your doll arrives fucked-up on arrival. I’m guessing they use the phrase “Satisfaction guarantee” because the whole site is written in broken Asian Engrish, not because they’re sketchy bastards trying to rip you off. The no-real-refunds policy is stated clearly enough.

(Engrish can sometimes be a warning sign that you’re looking at a sketchy site, but Hydoll.com is a legit sex doll shop with a solid reputation. If you’ve been shopping around, you’ve probably noticed this ain’t the only sex-doll shop with bad English. You may have also noticed that the Asian stores tend to have much cheaper products than American outfits like RealDoll. Then again, don’t let me get in your way if better website copywriting is worth thousands of extra bucks to you.)

How About Some Bonus Head?

A high-end love doll is a very personal purchase and, for most people, a significant investment. I really recommend trying to get the best doll you can afford, with the kind of features you’d want in a TPE girlfriend, rather than just trying to find the cheapest thing on the menu. You’re probably going to be banging her for a while. That said, Hydoll offers some decent promos that are worth looking out for, and may help net you an even better bang for your buck.

Right now, they’ve got a nice little bonus tacked onto the new silicone sex dolls. These are some of the nicest products on the site, with plenty of customization options and a price to match. They start at $3,145, but the current promo gets you an extra head, an extra wig, some bonus lingerie and a free gel ass. There’s also a promo code listed at the top of the screen for anybody to get $50 off a purchase of $999. It ain’t the biggest discount, but every cent counts when you’ve been saving your allowance this long.

I think I might be saving my allowance a little longer. I ain’t ashamed to admit that today’s tour of Hydoll.com got me a little obsessed with one of their 160cm big-titty silicone models, who may be coming to live with me soon. If you’re in the market for a high-end sex doll, I definitely recommend keeping this site on your shortlist. The selection is fucking fantastic and the prices ain’t bad. Maybe you don’t have to be alone anymore.