Private Classics

I bet everyone has their own Private Classics when they’re jacking off. You know the ones I’m talking about: those perfect pornos you may have found 5, 10, 20 years ago that still make you hard as a fucking rock every single time. It’s no wonder some of the long-running Internet porn sites have cashed in on the fad, offering up some of their vintage hits, oldies and goldies that put them on the map in the first place. I mean, shit, just because it’s old doesn’t mean you’re going to get bored of kitchen hookups, bedroom threesomes, and wild anal scenes out in public.

I reviewed Private.com the other day, and I couldn’t help noticing their archive doesn’t stretch back through the full run of their website. Well, it turns out they’ve got another website, PrivateClassics.com, where they’ve got a vintage porn library spanning the 1960s to the early aughts. It’s a premium site, so you’ll need to bring your wallet, but the thousands of daily visitors hitting up the joint tells me they’ve got more than just stale old pussy for sale.

Fifty Years of Dirty Movies

When Americans think of their longest-running porn institutions, we tend to think of those glossy porno rags our dads and grandpas used to keep stashed under the mattress beside the weed they always told us not to smoke. Playboy’s the king daddy and always a class act, with Penthouse and Hustler strolling in like the sleazy uncle who gets the really nasty chicks. Private doesn’t always ring a bell among casual porn consumers, but the European porn studio has been in business for over 50 years. Whether we’re talking about blowjob films or prewrapped snack cakes, that kind of longevity is typically a sign that people love your product.

And there’s a lot to love at PrivateClassics, even from the tour page. There’s a 5-minute preview montage near the top of the screen that offers a rapid-fire peek into their collection. You’ll see hairy-muffed hotties getting their pussies eaten, blonde MILFs getting fucked at the beach, dirty girls getting down in motel rooms and even some leather-clad BDSM fun for the kinksters out there. Aspiring smut historians can check out the various pubic hair trimming styles that have been popular over the years, from the big puffy afro pubes from days of yore to the bald beaver orgies of more recent days gone.

Scroll down and you’ll find some screengrabs and thumbnails, as well as a thick selection of the Latest Magazine and Movie Updates. It says “Latest,” but you can feel the vintage vibe coming off every Private Classics release. For the oldschool wankers who miss VHS cases and porn magazines with naked T&A on the cover, you’re going to feel right at home. It’s like hitting the old off-highway porn store, minus the odor and aggressive truckers fighting for gloryhole access.

One of the things that immediately strikes me is the overall quality of the lesbian scenes, big-titty bimbos and classic fuckfests. Some vintage porn sites peddle in grainy, washed-out smut where you can barely make out the interlocking genitals. PrivateClassics.com puts out surprisingly crisp, clear porno despite the age. If you’re into the vintage stuff, it pays to crank off to a porn outfit that’s been doing it right for so many decades.

Cheaper Than a Stack of Skin Rags

The signup page for PrivateClassics calls it Porn Worth Paying For, a slogan that literally has a TM tacked onto it. I had to laugh at the overt salesmanship, but I can’t say it’s a bad tactic. I’m going to be the ultimate judge of whether or not it’s worth my money, but it’s just such a bold move to claim that phrase as their own. As far as price goes, Private Classics is asking the same thirty bones a month as the next guys. You get 60% off if you spring for a yearly membership, and there’s also a one-dollar, two-day trial if you just want to poke around with your pants down.

Catchy slogans are one thing, but what really catches my eye on the signup page are the hard numbers. Given Private’s long-ass history of putting out dirty movies, it doesn’t come as a huge surprise that Private Classics is packed with over 1600 sexy scenes, 350 filthy magazines, 2000 explicit photo sets, and 250 vintage porno movies. You know, I’ve been looking for something like this ever since Costco stopped selling their 50-gallon barrels of classic smut. If you’re a bulk shopper when it comes to fap fodder and you like the vintage stuff, this is looking like a killer choice.

Vintage paysites abide by slightly different rules than their contemporary counterparts. With current sites, I like to see weekly updates at the least, but it can get a little complicated when your format deals in butt-sex movies shot before you were even born. PrivateClassics definitely has an appealing release rate, with “new” content hitting the site every day. It’s like getting a history lesson every day, but it’s cheaper than community college and you don’t have to write any fucking papers.

They may be dealing in old smut, but the payment methods are as modern as any of the competition. Most of you will pay with Visa or PayPal, but the crypto investors and general cybercriminals can spend some of that bitcoin you’ve got piling up. There’s even a gift card option if you’re just trying to get rid of those fucking Starbucks cards grandma keeps sending you. I told her I got banned after the last indecent exposure, but she just won’t listen.

Vintage Chicks with All Kinds of Tricks

Once I got signed up and logged into Private Classics, I made my way to their Most Recent scenes. Over their long history, Private has dabbled in all kinds of perversion, and it shows even among just the Latest Scenes. There are first-time blowjobs, public lesbian scenes, bowling alley gangbangs and a foursome with 3 dominas taking advantage of a submissive dude. There’s anal, foot fetishism, classic casting flicks and even a few DP movies.

I’m a little bit disappointed about the general lack of organization at PrivateClassics. They don’t seem to use any tags, which most paysites and free tubes use to sort through the collection. Without tags, you’re only really able to search through information listed in the titles and video descriptions. A lot of these films have a 2- or 3-sentence synopsis that doesn’t list all the fetishes and sex acts included, which means it’s going to be harder to find the kinky shit you’re into.

While it may be a little harder to find the full list of DPs, lesbian sequences or public squirting, there’s still plenty to shake your dick at. I decided to start my official fap test of PrivateClassics.com with a flick called Lynn Stone In A Futuristic Gangbang. Private Classics doesn’t list the original release date, but based on Lynn’s filmography, I’m going to guess it was filmed in the very early 2000s. Let’s see what they thought the future held for us.

Orgies of the Future from the Past

The 19-minute movie has bright, colorful lighting and wild costuming that immediately reminds me of a pornographic version of the 1980 Flash Gordon movie. Lynn’s got a weird roadkill haircut, Cleopatra makeup and a leash around her neck. She starts sucking two cocks in the movie’s opening and is shortly joined by another face-painted dude reaching between her legs to finger and then lick her pussy.

I can immediately see why Private considers this flick one of their Private Classics. The gangbang moves along at a good pace, with plenty of movement and switcheroos even as the body count rises. Lynn’s got a fucking gorgeous, tight little body and doesn’t miss a beat even with all those dicks coming at her. Obviously, the video quality isn’t 4K UHD, but it’s nice and clean, without any VHS degradation or warbly sound.

She takes it in every hole in this Futuristic Gangbang, often all at once. The camerawork is solid, demonstrating once again why Private has long been considered a high-end operation. We’re never left trying to lean over someone’s shoulder, hoping for a view. In fact, the views were so good that I took advantage of the downloads included with the standard membership price.

The lackluster, tagless organization of PrivateClassics.com was the only sour note I could find during my visit. It’s a minor complaint that will affect fetishists the most, since it makes searching the site a little more difficult. General fans of classic porn will certainly have more than enough to shake their ding-dongs at, with the high-quality standards you expect from one of Europe’s longest-running and most popular porn studios.