TeenSnow

Today we’re going to take a look at Teen Snow, a website for young ladies and gentlemen with an interest in frolicking in the snow in a wholesome manner. Just kidding. Despite the clip art snowman at the top, this site doesn’t have a damn thing to do with skiing, sledding, or snowball fights. Nah, TeenSnow.com is a porn aggregator that collects teenage fuck movies from all around the Internet.

Pretty Girls Living in an Ugly House

You want to know my honest reaction when I first pulled up TeenSnow’s landing page? I wanted to close the fucking window and go to a real porn site. This one looks like absolute garbage.

It’s not all the teenage sluts or their depraved sexual antics that bother me. I’ve got no problem with those. The thumbnails look great. Some of them are a little grainy and lower-def than I would like, but the action looks hot: schoolgirls whipping out their tits, cartoon cheerleaders getting their salads tossed, and 18-year-old nymphos getting their faces jizzed on cover the screen.

That fucking header, though. I’ll even look past the hideous baby-blue background, but I cannot get behind that header. It’s never a good sign when it looks like whoever made the page put absolutely no time, effort, or money into how the whole thing looks.

You know how every site on the entire Internet has a logo featuring a stylized version of their name? Whether it’s Google, Facebook, or Jimmy’s Backyard Chicken Fucking Bonanza, the name of the site is always written in some kind of fancy letters at the very top of the screen. Actually, “fancy” ain’t even a requisite. They might look like pixelated chicken scratchings, but the important thing is that the logo is there.

TeenSnow doesn’t feel like they need to adhere to the same rules as the rest of humanity. Not only is there no logo, the goddamn plain-text site name is rendered on your screen in comic fucking sans. You don’t have to be a goddamn design nerd to know not to use a font intended for third-grade science projects on a website for grown men with firm grips on their own boners.

So yeah, I was ready to dip the fuck out the moment I looked at TeenSnow. I stuck around, though. I did it for you, dear pervert, because I know just how passionate you are about shaking your dick at schoolgirls. Also, I just really need to find out how in the living fuck this hideous crap gets 11 million views a month.

How to Graduate High School in Just Ten Years

I figured the easiest way to see what TeenSnow had to offer was to click one of the scenes on the front page. It’s unclear what order they’re in, and they’re not labeled with any information at all, so I just have to assume it’s newest first.

The selection looks like the first good thing about this site. There’s a good mix of amateur porn and professional smut, with most of the major sex acts covered on the front page. I don’t see any really kinky stuff or fetish videos right away, but there is at least one animated one.

I couldn’t help but notice one of the thumbnails has Mia Khalifa’s pretty face, with a tear dripping down her cheek. I knew immediately that I’d be clicking to find out what made her so sad, but you know what? Mia hasn’t been a teen for the better part of a decade now.

It could be an older clip, and she actually was a teen when it was shot. The more likely possibility is it’s just a damn fine piece of pornography, like everything she’s in, and it’s just tagged with Teen because Mia’s got that permanent youthful look so valued in the business. You probably shouldn’t worry too much about it, or else you’re just going to have to swear off “teen” porn forever. A lot of them are lying about their ages.

A Lot of Ass, or Just Some Bullshit?

The sad Mia thumbnail is tagged with the URL to her official webpage, so I kind of figured TeenSnow would send me to the video page on her site. That’s how porn aggregators generally work.

TeenSnow, once again, bucks tradition by not working the way it’s supposed to. Instead of opening a new tab with either Mia’s official site or the video from the thumbnail, I got a new tab with Ass4All’s front page. There are a bunch of videos on it, but none of the thumbnails have Mia Khalifa.

This seems a little fishy. For some reason, Ass4All looks pretty much exactly like TeenSnow, except with ass videos instead of teen ones. Sure, the background color and font are different, but the no-effort design has TeenSnow’s fingerprints all over it.

I closed the Ass4All window, because I wasn’t in the mood for a scavenger hunt. When you’re horny and get hit with a bait-and-switch like that, it tends to put a motherfucker in a bad mood. If I’ve just stumbled into an endless circle of self-linking garbage sites, I’m going to mail somebody this bag of stale semen I’ve been saving up for a rainy day.

I Guess We’ll Have to Try Again

I went back to the front page to choose again. Another pretty face got me, this one attached to a lithe little body with a nice rack. Sometimes a tight t-shirt is more of a draw than a bitch with her tits already out. I just had to see this girl take it off.

I’m not going to lie. Considering TeenSnow had been a pretty shitty website so far, I was hoping this next clip would be full-length from somewhere else where I’d normally have to pay for it. The watermark for PrettyDirtyHD was clearly visible in the thumbnail, so I had my fingers crossed.

This time, the link dropped me off at xVideos, on the correct video page. I was a little bit shocked to find out the actual scene was called Fucking The Hot Handicapped Girl.

The good news is that this beautiful little slut is probably not crippled. I doubt she’d have a body like that if she hobbled around on that walker all day, plus she seemed to lose all signs of physical impairment upon being stuffed with hard cock.

The bad news is that the video is just a 6-minute sample clip. So much for my big hopes of a long wank to a babe who gets one of those dope parking spots like my grandma.

I spent the next five minutes clicking on random links from the front page. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. I didn’t find any hidden gems, or even any porn clips worth saving or bookmarking. Hell, I didn’t even see anything I wanted to beat off to.

Almost every video I clicked went to a short sample clip on xVideos. Some were literally seconds long, and not a single one opened on a site other than xVideos. The sites that didn’t go there just went to other pages that look like TeenSnow with slightly different content. I didn’t take a very long look at any of the other sites, but I’m guess their “content” is shitty samples on xVideos and links back to TeenSnow.

I went to the Hottest Teens This Month area. Another Mia Khalifa clip had the top position. I clicked it and got sent to the video on xVideos. I clicked it again and got another TeenSnow clone. The third time it reverted back to Mia getting double-fucked, and then it became another link to a garbage excuse for a porn aggregator.

This is bullshit of the highest order. The site would be bad enough if it was serving up free sample clips through a clean and helpful interface, but TeenSnow barely tries to hide the fact that they’re a bunch of shady crooks.

They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but sometimes you can and you should. My first impression of TeenSnow was spot-on. This site looks like hot garbage because it’s hot garbage. Sure, you can technically point your browser there and end up beating off to a few seconds of teen porn. Considering all the good teenage smut you can find elsewhere, you’d be a goddamn idiot to waste your time.