Tuk Tuk Patrol

A lot of people have this idea of The Porn Dude as a fat slob who never leaves the basement and is always coated in a layer of food, lube, and his own filth. It’s not true, I tell you! I have interests besides jerking off to pornography every waking moment of the day, and I leave the house all the time. Hell, I’m a globetrotting motherfucker. I just got back from Thailand, a country with so much to offer: Asian MILFs eating cock, young Thai girls who love the smell of tourist money and jizz, and sexy teen prostitutes working cheap.

I’m always telling my fellow perverts they need to book themselves a flight, but half of you are cucked by your wives who get all pissy at the very thought of you going on a worldwide sex tour. Just tell the old bitch you really like pad Thai. Alternately, you can save a few bucks now and a bunch later on the divorce settlement if you just point your browser at TukTukPatrol.com, a premium Asian site specializing in beautiful sluts from the Land of Smiles.

No Thai Pussy Left Behind

The tagline at the top of the landing page promises No Thai Pussy Left Behind, which is an ambitious goal. The population of Thailand is about 70 million, so we’re talking about a hell of a lot of island poon. I’m just one dude, so I don’t need anywhere near that much. I’ll settle for, I don’t know, maybe half?

The preview page has some impressive peeks at a few of their Top Rated Patrols. Good fucking mother of God, the top movie on the list is called Unbelievable Busty Asian Twins Porn. You see a lot of sluts pretending to be sisters in taboo porno flicks, but these two ripe teens have the same face, perfect body, and depraved humping skills.

Honestly, I’m pretty much sold already, but TukTukPatrol wants you to know there’s a lot more on the menu. There is a chubby Thai babe with blue eyes getting opened up like a can of whores by a couple big-dicked white dudes, a young Asian MILF drinking semen straight from the tap, and a couple of dudes manhandling a tall chick who was just trying to take a nice, wholesome walk.

Cheaper Than A One-Wa Flight to Thailand

If you’ve been afflicted with a crippling case of yellow fever and have spent a bunch of time browsing my Premium Asian Porn Sites list, you already know that Asian paysites often cost a little more than their blonde porn counterparts. That ain’t so with TukTukPatrol, who are asking the same 30 USD per month as most typical sex sites. It certainly sounds like a decent deal.

A virtual roulette wheel on the landing page offers up to 75% off if you’re willing to give them your email address first and agreeing to receive periodic spam. It’s a fair trade, especially since it ain’t rocket science to unsubscribe to a company’s email spam list.

When A Slut Brings Her Sister

The newest movie is called Kam: Big Thai Tits Rattle from above and below, and the thumbnail shows a cute young Asian babe with a killer rack. Asian porn is not generally associated with massive melons, which just makes them seem all the more juicy and delicious.

Each scene comes with a full write up on the episode. This 22-year-old chick’s sister has been on the site before and texted the dude to say she had a surprise in store for him. Surprise! Historically, banging a girl’s sister usually gets me in a lot of trouble, but maybe Thai culture is just a lot different. They do call it the Land of Smiles for a reason.

There is a four-page gallery of stills featuring the babe posing in a hotel room. She is a real fucking looker, young with just that perfect amount of baby fat. I got to the third page with the blowjob photos and wondered why I hadn’t just pressed Play on the video yet.

The intro to TukTukPatrol videos features, you guessed it, tuk-tuks and pretty girls. Kam and her sister are in the back of an autorickshaw on their way somewhere, presumably to that hotel, giving an interview in broken English. I’m not trying to sound like an asshole or anything, just a regular guy who judges women like cuts of meat, but we really lucked out today. Kam is definitely the hotter of the two siblings.

It’s a really bare-bones video player. I don’t even see a video quality setting, though downloads are available from 360P all the way up to 1080P. Streaming quality is more than passable as I watch the girls pose in front of a Christmas tree. I’m writing this in June, so either they do things differently in Thailand or the newest clip on TukTukPatrol is old.

Polished Amateur Asian Porno On Demand

I love the raw, amateur feel of the movies here. The dude with the camera is just you or me, some lucky gentleman on a vacation in Thailand. He’s getting laid, documenting it for later, and sharing all the fun with us.

It seems like a lot of the buildup for a 30-minute movie, but you can tell it’s because the cameraman is really enjoying the experience. The enthusiasm isn’t faked, and nobody wants to rush this. Of course, nobody’s going to stop you from skipping ahead to the cock sucking at the 12-minute mark.

Spend any time on the amateur tubes and you will quickly notice that most of these clowns don’t know how to operate a camera in the middle of a doggy style sequence. Our dude here has clearly had some practice, and he’s got a couple of extra cams around the room to catch the hardcore Asian action from multiple angles.

Dude fills her shaved twat with sperm at the end of the scene and then spends a minute admiring his handiwork in close-up. Kam smiles and flashes a peace sign, the white jizz leaking from her cunt standing out in bright contrast against her beautiful, dark skin.

Somebody Left the Cake Out in the Rain

I couldn’t stop thinking about that Christmas tree in June. I went back to TukTukPatrol’s Latest Patrols page, and holy shit! That scene was added more than four years ago! They added dozens of these amateur Asian sex adventures between 2012 and 2014, and then just stopped, apparently.

Hoping this might be some kind of mistake, I clicked the Menu in the corner and navigated to the Updates page. Well, it turns out there’s no updates page, that’s just a broken link in the Menu. Instead of the new teen Thai threesomes, I was hoping for, TukTukPatrol told me File Not Found. What a crock of shit!

I always like to see at least one update per week on any site you have to pay for. I’ve seen a few that were able to get away with a more staggered release schedule, but it only works if they have some deep niche material that you can’t find anywhere else on the Internet. The smut I watched on TukTukPatrol was good, don’t get me wrong, but this ain’t the only site to find amateur Thai girls getting their brains fucked out.

The one thing that really impressed me above everything else was that taboo teen twin threesome. It’s very rare for a single clip on a paysite to win me over like that, but I’m not sure that cancels out the fact that this site is completely stale. The really obnoxious thing is that they have a somewhat active presence elsewhere on the net, which only serves to sucker people in because they assume the main website also has new updates. Stop bullshitting on the blog and Instagram and give us some new vids!

TukTukPatrol does have some nice, polished amateur movies of Thai girls getting banged, especially the one with the twins. That said, I just can’t recommend a site that hasn’t updated in more than four years. If you do sign up, just download everything and make sure to cancel your membership before it bills you again.