Brazzers

Brazzers network might just be the most widely recognized name in pornography today. Even if you’re just a casual porn watcher (we know you’re not, ya fuckin perv), you’ve likely heard of Brazzers. They are notorious for providing some of the highest quality content, sexiest porn stars, and well-executed extended scenes. It also probably doesn’t hurt that they seem to have ad space on nearly every free porn site on the web.

Brazzers got its start in 2005 by a group of investors in Montreal and has since become a subsidiary of the conglomerate, Mindgeek, putting them alongside other giants of the adult video world, Pornhub and Redtube. Brazzers has built quite the reputation for themselves, winning multiple AVN (Adult Video News) awards every year since 2009. Among their many accolades are Best Adult Website, Best New Video Production Company, Best Big Bust (Big Tits at School), Best Membership Website, and Best Art Direction (Storm Kings). You would be hard-pressed to find a more consistently top-notch membership network out there today.

I have always been curious to see for myself what all the hype was about, so I finally decided to subscribe. There are many things Brazzers is doing right and a few things that I would expect such a high-profile paid porn site to be much better at. So, without further ado, let’s get into it.

Can a Porn Site Give you Blue Balls?

There is a palpable feeling of excitement upon logging into a new paid porn site for the first time, especially one with a reputation like Brazzers’. However, as soon as I enter my username and password, and complete the stupid little Recaptcha test (which images contain buses? I don’t fucking know, Brazzers; which images contain tight pussies? Can you tell me that?), I’m redirected to a portal site instead of the Brazzers home page.

Immediately they are trying to sell me more shit—bundle packages with other studios like Reality Kings, Mofos, and Digital Playground—and there is a confusing list of generic category-based channels to choose from. There is the Latina Channel, the Teens Channel, the Milfs Channel. Confused and quickly losing hardness, I click on the Teens Channel, thinking maybe that’s just how Brazzers organizes their content.

Not quite. Instead of taking me to all of the sexy teen videos Brazzers has to offer, they’re already trying to sell me something else. They actually expect me to pay $60 more to unlock this channel. Are you fucking kidding me? I just signed up for a yearlong subscription at $10 a month, that’s $120, and you already want more of my money? Christ on a cracker, calm down, you greedy fucks.

After clicking through a couple more of these bullshit channels, I finally notice the small menu bar at the top of the site. In addition to “Channels,” there is a dropdown menu for “Sites,” which are also all locked and require additional payment to be viewed. Eventually, I hover my mouse over “Networks.” Completely flaccid by this point, there it is, in another dropdown menu, a link for Brazzers.

Okay, cool, now I’ll be able to find some awesome videos and fap uninterrupted. Or so I thought. Although I was pleased to have successfully hunted down and located the official Brazzers site and all its content, there are still more bundle ads! For the price I’m paying, I should at least be able to watch my porn in peace, don’t you think? Awful first impression, Brazzers. Step your fucking game up.

More Ads? But You Already Have My Fucking Money!

I am less than impressed with the layout and design of the website too. Two vertical banner ads for what content they are pushing hard this week. I accidentally click on the right side of the screen and am brought to—not even a full video, mind you—a trailer for the season finale of Brazzers House, which doesn’t come out for another 9 days, 11 hours, 36 minutes, and 50 seconds (according to the additional countdown clock at the top of the page).

Who knew that paying for porn would actually make it more difficult to actually watch some fucking porn?

Underneath and in between all of the obnoxious ads on the home page are some videos. Emphasis on the word, “some.” I don’t know about you, but I would expect the actual viewable content to be the main focus of a website like Brazzers. Nope. Instead, you have three categories, with four videos in each: “Latest Scenes,” “Most Popular this Week,” and “Upcoming Scenes.” To view more than four videos in each category, you must click on another page.

Below these three tiny sections, the home page also has links for “Brazzers Live Cams,” “Recently Active Porn Stars,” and “Our Partners [technically another fucking ad].” I decided to check out the live cams, curious to see if any of their porn stars go on it ever. But, wait a minute, what’s that? Another feature Brazzers wants me to pay extra for? Now I’m pissed.

Okay, Now We’re Getting There? Maybe?

I’ve wasted a good fifteen minutes just trying to find all of this great porn Brazzers apparently has hidden somewhere. I go back to the home page once more and try my luck with “Latest Scenes.” Okay, now it looks like we’re getting somewhere. There are still way too many ads above, to the sides of, and below the search results, but at least I get to choose between more than four fucking videos this time.

There’s a decent filter feature above the search results where I can organize the scenes by release date, rating, most views, title, or “I feel horny,” which shuffles the order, I guess? I don’t know, I can’t really tell what that does. I can also filter by model name or tag (tags can also be used in conjunction with one another, which is pretty cool).

Ah, There We Go…

I will say that the content is 100% all it’s cracked up to be. You can tell that the people at Brazzers respect pornography as the art form that it is. They are not just putting out cheap smut for the lowest common denominators. The production quality of their videos is excellent, the cinematography is thoughtful, the women are fucking gorgeous.

One thing in particular that I enjoy about Brazzers’ content is the fact that they are continuing the tradition of narrative-based porn. In today’s age of mass porn consumption, the emphasis on the storyline in porn seems to be dying off a little bit. Thankfully, though, there are still quality studios out there like Brazzer’s keeping it alive. Sometimes it’s nice to have a little bit of backstory to help get you immersed in the fantasy. Sometimes I don’t want to just simply fuck a tight asshole; sometimes I want to know that the tight asshole I’m fucking belongs to my bitchy girlfriend’s hot roommate after she gets done doing yoga in front of me.

Brazzers has content that easily allows me to slip away into the story. And if you don’t care who the tight asshole belongs to, no worries, Brazzers has plenty of quicker-paced, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am scenes available as well.

Is It Worth Paying For?

Taking all of this into account, we come upon the ultimate question: is Brazzers worth the money? Well, that is a trickier question than it may seem at first. Sure, there is some awesome, high-quality content and you’re granted access to it as soon as it’s ready for release; but, on the other hand, what you get for your money doesn’t quite seem to live up to the massive amounts of hype that surround this studio.

Although I can appreciate paying for a great product over settling for cheaper (or free) content of a lower standard, I’m gonna say it’s totally worth paying for a subscription on Brazzers!

My biggest suggestion to Brazzers: stop trying to fucking sell me more shit when you already have my goddamned money. Greedy fucking cum sippers. Oh, and please improve your layout and navigation of your website. You have a reputation to live up to, start doing it outside of your content too.

On that note, I think I will probably be jerking it quite a bit to Brazzers (often misspelled as "brazers", "brazzars", "berazzers", "brazzera", "brezzers" and "brazzerz") over the next few months to ensure that I get my fucking money’s worth. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll go do that right now. Happy fapping, fucktards!