Property Sex

PropertySex! I tend to spend most mornings masturbating furiously to a variety of blowjob, titty fucking and hardcore explicit lesbian videos, so this morning was a little bit of a change in routine for me. Instead of popping a Viagra, lubing up and stroking it to HD porno, I had a cup of coffee and spent a few hours calling up real estate agents and making appointments to look at new homes. It’s not that I actually need a new masturbation chamber or splooge room, but the sexy bitches at PropertySex are giving me all kinds of wrong ideas.

PropertySex.com sounds like it can be a few different things, like people sticking their cocks in their toys and toasters or bitches being turned into genuine sex slaves. You know, like property. It turns out it’s actually a real estate themed porno site starring some of the hottest talent in the industry. Maybe I’ll end up renting a new place today, or maybe I’ll end up fucking a realtor until she squirts. Failing that, it looks like this website has a lot of really good smut for me to spank it to.

Find a New Home or Just Jack Off

The video montage that loads automatically on the landing page of PropertySex does a hell of a lot to convince me this is a good site. It’s a crisp, clear picture of beautiful women spreading their cunts, licking dingdong and taking hot loads to the face. Good God, I hope my potential home viewings later go down like this. None of these broads are wasting their time showing off the counter space or guest bedrooms. Instead, they’re focusing all their attention on inducing wild, body quaking orgasms in themselves, their clients, and their viewers.

Right from jump, this site wants you to know what kind of babes they’re working with. The beautiful and talented Abella Danger smiles and takes a big slurp of cock in the preview, and I wonder what kind of banter led up to it. “This home is in a great location with easy access to all the schools in the area. Alternately, I could just swallow those kids before you have to deal with any of that fucking bullshit.”

More girls are lined up like cuts of meat, their sexy thumbnails leading to profile pages featuring all their work on PropertySex. Abella is only in one of their flicks so far, but Ella Knox has been in a couple. Girls like Adriana Chechik, Jillian Janson and Gianna Dior have all starred in real estate themed fuck movies for these perverts.

The rest of the page is just a goddamn tease. It looks exactly like the members' page, with thumbnails for all the latest and greatest property porn lined up across the screen. Of course, you ain’t logged in, so even if you find a “Play” button, it’s just going to send you to the sign-up page. So is that other button that says Search for Hoes in Your Neighborhood. It’s a cheap and frankly childish joke, which is probably while I laughed like a fucking idiot. Let’s go search for those hoes.

Tour Your Dream Home, Fuck Your Dream Agent

Another button continues the real estate theme by offering to let you Take a Tour. That’s actually kind of bullshit, because it takes you to the sign-up page instead. There is a two-day trial for a buck, but if you’re a regular viewer of premium porn, you know exactly how that trial works. You’d better remember to cancel after those two days are up or you’re going to end up paying the full price.

The standard rate for a month of horny agents and tenants banging each other on camera is 30 bucks. That’s pretty much what you expect to pay on any porn paysite, so no surprises there. The six-month and year-long memberships break down to lower rates, naturally. I’m certain there’s some obvious joke about home mortgages that goes here, but I’ll have to leave it to you upstanding citizens to fill that in. I usually spend my spare cash on coke and hookers.

It doesn’t say anywhere on the sign-up page whether or not downloads are included, which is a little bit sneaky. Once you give them your credit card number and they give you access to the site, then they throw a big banner in front of you saying you can START DOWNLOADING. Little icons offer unlimited HD videos you can Watch on Any Device! Clicking the UNLOCK DOWNLOADS button spells out the truth: it costs an extra 15 bucks a month to save the porn videos on PropertySex.

I know most of you modern motherfuckers weren’t planning on downloading these to a box of floppy disks like some kind of caveman, but I really hate when they don’t tell you downloads are extra. Sometimes you just want a little buffer for when the power goes out or you’re locked in a fortified masturbation bunker with only some meal rations and a phone full of Latina sex movies to keep you occupied. Sure, you can do that with PropertySex, it’s just going to cost you a lot more.

New Homes and Hoes Posted Every Week

PropertySex updates every week with a new piece of full-length, HD smut starring your favorite sluts. The newest scene, added Friday, is a 45-minute fucktacular called The Perks of Being a Client. It stars Heather Vahn, who is stretched out naked in the preview thumbnail, her beautiful flat tummy covered in a big, sticky mess. I guess this is the “After” shot.

This is a modern site, so they’ve got a modern video player baked into it. It detects your speed and serves up a decent resolution; I’ve got full HD with no buffering immediately. I wish there was a speed control option so I could watch the cumshot scenes in slow motion, but I’m pretty satisfied. Heather, a really sexy real estate agent, cold knocks on this dude’s door and offers him a bunch of money for the house.

There’s a lot of banter in the first five minutes, so I skipped ahead to Heather slipping out of her clothes. I hope the broad who shows me the place downtown this afternoon has a similar body, not to mention the willingness to show me the whole thing and give me full access. Ten minutes in, Heather is down to her jewelry and shoes, legs spread on the couch as she rubs her shaved twat and moans.

The style is really simple. There’s a stationary cam that moves around between positions, no fancy camera work or anything. It gives the smut a very real, almost amateur feeling. The dude’s face is blurred out for some reason, but he sounds just as enthusiastic as the nymphomaniac Heather. Can you blame the motherfucker? Have you seen this bitch?

After watching Heather get boned, I switched to an Adria Rae flick. She stars as a realtor who is a little too honest with clients about potential problems, so her boss helps her refine that sales technique. Naturally, this includes a lot of doggy style, anal fingering, and semen all over that beautiful, round booty of hers.

Like the Heather scene, this one also features very simple camerawork that puts you right in the action. I like how they work a typical, ridiculous porn setup (hot, horny sluts selling/buying homes) into all the scenes, include your favorite professional fuck artists in the action, and then hit you with this pseudo-amateur porn filmmaking that feels a lot more real than the hyper-polished stuff. It’s the best of multiple worlds here.

The extra fee to download movies to your hard drive is easily the worst thing about PropertySex. Then again, fewer and fewer people are using that feature. At this point, it’s mostly for people who know they can’t afford to keep their paysite membership going another month. It’s good to have some backup sometimes.

If you’re a fan of the real estate genre of porno, and you like really gorgeous porn sluts, you’ll probably love PropertySex. They add new material every week and they’ve got some of the best babes in the industry on the menu. I’ve got an appointment to go view a loft in a few minutes, and if the agent doesn’t end up giving me anal, I guess I’ll just load up the site again later.