Twistys

Ah, Twistys Network. I have fond memories of abusing the wicked stick for hours at a time, watching girls licking cocks and playing with each other’s tits on the site. It’s practically an institution; if you’re the type to pay for sex movies, there’s a good chance you’ve subscribed at some point. Their collection of hardcore smut was really at the top of the Internet porn game for a while. I have to admit, though, I’ve thought about them less over the years.

Less than a decade ago, Twistys was pulling 22 million sessions a month. Now they’re getting about 2 million. That’s a pretty fucking solid number by most metrics, but a goddamn shame compared to their glory days. Did Twistys really fall off that hard, or are they merely a victim of market saturation? The preview video on the landing page sure as hell looks like the high-quality porno that I remember, enough so that I’ll have to take a much deeper look.

That’s A Lot of Smut

The beautiful, naked women getting their titties creamed on when you hit the landing page are enticing enough. The hard numbers might not make you hard to look at, but they may even be more enticing.

Right now, a membership to Twistys includes unlimited streaming of fifteen years of daily updates. This includes over 60,000 videos and more than 4,000 different models. Holy living mother of fuck, that’s an impressive stash! They’ve also got 2 million photos, if you like whacking it to stills.

Twistys is actually a network, so you get full access to ten other sites when you sign up. Because they’ve been around so long, some of the sites haven’t been updated in years. They more than make up for it with their newer offerings. A site going dead isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The money and effort will be put to better use on fresher offerings.

Membership Has Its Perks

The main screen of the members' page has some big sliding images at the top. Most of them direct you to fresh porno movies like Lick My Pussy starring Kimmy Granger, and Blowing Bubbles Not Boys with Molly Stewart. The other ones try to upsell you to a premium account or membership to a different porn site.

Besides those is an image of the Treat of the Month. It’s kind of like Employee of the Month for girls who get naked on Twistys. Instead of rewarding the hard worker with thirty minutes of PTO, they reward the hard viewer with exclusive videos, pics, and interviews. This month it’s a smoking-hot brunette named Eliza Ibarra.

The ten most recent updates come next. There’s at least one a day, but sometimes more. Most porn sites throw an endless grid of flicks at you right away, so it’s an interesting move to include so few on the main page. They must be confident in their material. Hovering over an image gives you more screencaps from the flick.

Below the clips, the Treats of the Month for the last year are on display, mostly in their panties with their boobs out. If you want to dig back further, there’s a Treats pulldown menu in the header. Besides the recent treats is a text list of the current Top Models on the site. Aubrey Sinclair is currently killing it with a 9.86 rating.

HD Spank Sessions

I ended up watching a movie called Don’t Sweat the Sweater, which was filmed for MomKnowsBest. In it, Treat of the Month Eliza gets it on with a gorgeous older red-head, Lauren Phillips. The movie streamed in full-screen HD without much buffering, but if you’re on a slower connection you can choose a lower quality. You can also download the clip in any of the available qualities.

The pornstar and category tags on Twistys are really well-implemented, making it easy to track down more of what you like. Above Don’t Sweat the Sweater, I’ve got a list of 21 different sex acts and interests, as well as the names of the film’s talent. Clicking any of them brings me to more of the same.

Eliza and Lauren had my cock dripping for more girl-on-girl action, so I clicked Lesbian. The search brought up 256 videos and 138 photosets. I need to get this review finished, but I also really fucking need to watch this clip called Vinyl Obsession. A cutie in glasses and a beanie is showing off her girlfriend’s cunt in the screengrab and it looks absolutely majestic. I clicked the heart to add it to my favorites.

The search screen lets you whittle down those results to something more manageable. You can sort by Release Date, Top Rated, Most Viewed, or Title. I wonder what kind of freak organizes by Title. It seems useless unless you have a fetish for a specific letter. Does the letter F get you raging hard?

You can also filter the results by date, including upcoming releases. For my money, the option to add more tags to your search is the most useful thing here. Just keep dialing it in until you find your own personal holy grail of masturbation.

Let’s Break It Down

If you have a serious preference for one of the sites on the network, you can go browse it on its own, but it’s easier to sort and search the whole collection from the central Twistys website. There’s plenty of overlap between pornstars and sex acts among the different sites.

WhenGirlsPlay and MomKnowsBest both focus on lesbian scenes. MomKnowsBest is one of my favorites, because I love that whole taboo element. It’s such a sweet and tender thing when a MILF teaches a younger slut the magic of spanking and scissoring. Check out the clip Sugar Mamma’s Salon, with Daisy Lee and Eva Long. I’m thinking of making an appointment to get my hair cut there. Instead of a tip, I’ll give them the whole D.

TwistysHard has all kinds of hardcore porn. It might seem redundant for the network to devote a whole site to hardcore, given the content they’ve already spread all over the place. There’s actually a ton of softer movies on Twistys, like solo scenes and light lesbian romps. If you’ve got to see bulging dicks practically splitting bitches in half, limit your search to TwistysHard.

Nicole graves and AnnetteDawn are two blonde porn sluts with their own sites on Twistys. Both babes seem to prefer playing with their own twats, though Nicole has a few where she’s fucking around with lesbians.

TwistysTeasers only had a handful of updates and then went stale in 2014. Looking at the screencaps, it’s hard to guess what the theme was besides beautiful young chicks being naughty on camera. Twistys.com says they opened this site to bring us the newest, hottest, freshest, most exclusive content. Since that’s kind of what the whole network does, it’s not surprising they abandoned this project.

BlueFantasies is described as “getting the most beautiful women in the world to show off their hot bodies.” That’s pretty vague, but the screencaps give you a better sense of what to expect. This is relatively softcore smut, mostly solo scenes, and it’s all older material. The last update was nearly a decade ago.

EuroFoxes and BustyOnes offer similar soft content, with a focus on a particular type of porn-slut. If you can’t figure which type from the titles, then you’re fucking hopeless and I don’t know how you even got on the ‘net.

So What’s the Fucking Problem

You know, I really dug in there, looking for some hint at why their traffic has fallen so much from what it was. I can’t find any really good reason. The models are beautiful, horny, and sexually talented. The videos and pics are crisp, polished, and professional. The site design is super-functional and easy to use.

There’s so much free porn on the Internet that it’s just easy to be a cheap-ass masturbator. It seems like most people don’t want to trade cash for smut anymore. If you’re going to pay for sex movies, it better be some goddamn sexual treasure. Twistys (often misspelled as "twisties" and "twisty's") fits the bill. Check it out if you’ve got a few bucks to spare.