xHamster Incest

Here’s a secret: incest/step porn is fucking hot. What the fuck was that? “Eww, PornDude that’s fucking nasty;” did I telepathically hear someone say that? I’m feeling generous today so I’ll give you one of my classic anecdotes to let you see things from my perspective. Once you read this little yarn you’re going to agree with me that when it comes to incest/step porn every time you hear about step-siblings you’re going to get an auto-erection.

Lil’ Pedro didn’t think so

Back in college when PornDude was just ThePornYoungAdult this Brazilian foreign exchange student we all called Lil’ Pedro (because he was also a midget) stayed with a host family. Now, this wasn’t any host family: they were fucking rich. And they weren’t just fucking rich, the mom and dad had married when their kids entered college as freshmen. The mom had a 19-year old daughter and the dad had a 20-year old son still living, going to college with all of us, you get the picture.

Something was always off about the step-siblings, though. They got along but a little too much. They hugged a little too often, and my buddy Jimmy the Legs swore he saw them making out on the bleachers of the football stadium like they were in a goddamn 80’s movie. He was a fruit that watched Pretty in Pink on repeat so I just assumed he had Molly Ringwald on the brain (and he always did – he dressed like her).

Until Lil’ Pedro told me he drilled a hole into their room and watched them fuck every night. And every morning. And every day at dusk. Sometimes late at night. Lil’ even said that sometimes he rushed home at lunch to see if he could catch him getting balls deep inside of her.

And then it clicked. I said, ‘Lil’ you’re telling me they can fuck whenever they want?” He nodded and said, “they fuck like 10 times a day.” And she was smokin’ hot! Lil’ Pedro eventually blackmailed them and had a threesome before he was caught and they had him deported, but here’s my fucking point: incest/step porn is fucking banging because when you have two horny step-siblings living under the same roof that’s always down to fuck, you get to always fuck! When we get down to it, that’s really the dream, isn’t it?

What the fuck is your point?

Okay, let’s stop fucking around get jump into it. The incest/step section of xHamster lets you live vicariously but is it worth your time or should you be content to nutting about my Lil’ Pedro story (and really, why would you want to cum to the thought of a Brazilian midget with an acorn for a dick anyway?)?

Any idiot can navigate xHamster

The first thing I noticed when checking out incest/step porn on xHamster is how clean the user interface (UI) is. I remember the days when xHamster had a UI that made those faggots over at Reddit look like it had a cutting edge interface. Those days are over. It’s simple to navigate; it doesn’t look like my fat ass greasy uncle coded it like it did in the early ‘10’s and before, and finding what you want to jizz to has never been easier. It’s getting close to Pornhub caliber and that’s something to brag about.

I wasn’t choking on ads for xHamster Premium Gold

Speaking of Pornhub and the number of fucking advertisements you see for Pornhub Premium, you don’t get any of that bullshit on xHamster. xHamster offers its own premium service called xHamster Premium Gold but they don’t go out of their way to endlessly plug it. A Premium tab is directly on the front page and that’s practically the only advertisement they do for the service. I don’t despise it so thanks for not shoving it in my fucking face, xHamster.

When I was tugging it to incest/step porn earlier while writing this I noticed you can narrow the category of incest/step porn. For example, when I type in, ‘step,’ I can narrow the videos only to those featuring Asians. What sucks is you can’t narrow it down further than this but still it’s a nice feature you don’t see on my porn sites. It’s fucking better than nothing!

xHamster knows you’re going to sneak out of bed at 1 am to jack off

Another thing I liked that I haven’t seen on other porn sites is a light/dark mode displayed on the front page. This is even offered on the desktop because they’re smart enough to know that you’re probably cumming buckets late at night. This means that you won’t go blind when you’re watching hot step-siblings go at it and your religious aunt won’t bitch at you and say, “See I told you that giving into the devil’s temptations would cause you to go blind!” Then you’d have to tell her, “know bitch it’s because I didn’t put it in dark mode,” that sounds like a metaphor for, ‘sin mode,’ and everyone would get confused. Dark mode allows you to avoid that conversation altogether, so good move on xHamster’s part.

xHamster also knows you’re going to jack off on the (public?) toilet

But who the fuck really jacks off to porn on a desktop? Baby boomers? Yeah, I guess that’s about it. A porn site isn’t much of a porn site if the mobile side of things isn’t snappy and responsive – luckily, xHamster hits all the marks. I remember how fucking atrocious it was to navigate videos via mobile back in the day on xHamster but those days are goddamn over! I typed in, ‘hot step-siblings fucking like wildcats,’ and within 10-seconds I was deep into a video that made me nut so hard I splattered the mirrors of the gas station bathroom I was at and had to blame it on a ghost’s ectoplasm to the attendant. If I can discreetly cream a gas station bathroom’s mirror that quickly on mobile, you can bet your crust fat ass that it’s fast.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH AUTOPLAYING THUMBNAILS?

Browsing incest/step porn on xHamster isn’t perfect though. One of the things that really pissed me off was seeing autoplaying videos on the desktop. Why is this a popular trend and why in Lucifer’s name can I not turn this off? I hate avoiding placing my mouse over thumbnails when I’m trying to nut off: it’s distracting and ruins the clip. This happens on the mobile side but fortunately, I only saw a slideshow of images rather than video. It’s still annoying but at least it doesn’t use up unneeded bandwidth on my data plan (looking right at you Pornhub – fix that shit!).

YOU DON’T HAVE A CATEGORY FOR INCEST/STEP PORN?!?

Another thing that pissed me off was there wasn’t a category for incest/step porn! How many categories are there on xHamster? Hundreds maybe? Yet there’s no option for one of the most popular types of porn on the Web? Don’t fucking tell me that they’re afraid that the politically correct pussies at Google may fuck with their rankings and hurt them financially? Is that why they’ve made it less convenient to search for incest/step porn by category? Give me a fucking break xHamster. Grow some goddamn balls!

The incest/step erotica may make your dick fall off

If you want to talk about things that make you cringe worse than politically correct, pussy vegan bullshit, then take a look at the incest/step erotica on xHamster. I’m all for variety and this is a feature that not a lot of porn sites actually offer but…my God. Imagine going to an intro to creative writing class full of middle-aged housewives entering their second decade of marriage regret and having to listen to poems about, ‘the leaves were shaped like anxiety,’ or short stories like, ‘the little boy that lost a shoe,’ or how what I like to call, ‘the littlest asshole.’ Multiply that by 100 and you get an idea just how much cringe is here. I would put an excerpt here, but I don’t want to be responsible for your eyes bleeding like a period those barren housewives don’t have anymore.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T COMBINE CATEGORIES?!?

There’s also no option to combine categories. What the fuck is that? xHamster is fully capable of allowing you to add a category to a search query yet you can only search one main category at a time? xHamster has more category-types than almost any porn site on the Web and this isn’t possible for them? It’s a bonehead move that makes zero sense and they should be ashamed at the missed opportunity. Maybe use a little of that xHamster Premium Gold money and add the option to combine multiple categories at a time; just a thought, xHamster.

xHamster isn’t perfect but it’s pretty damn good

xHamster isn’t perfect when you want to get your nut off to incest/step porn, but it’s tough to find many free tube sites that are this quick and responsive. xHamster knows why you’re there and they make accommodations to make sure your browsing experience is as comfortable as possible. Things like adding a light/dark mode to the homepage of both the desktop and mobile versions of the site let you know that these fellas get you and know you want to jump in, jerk off, and jump back to bed before anyone figures out where you went or what you’re doing. It could be better, but if this is a sign of things to come for xHamster, war elephants like Pornhub better watch out!