AcmeJoy

I had a feeling AcmeJoy would be my kind of shop. It wasn’t the “Acme” that hooked me in, conjuring up images of grocery stores and Wile E. Coyote’s crazy schemes to catch that fucking Road Runner and finally get some bird pussy. No, it was the “Joy” part of it that got me. Joy can mean a lot of different positive things, including a lot of totally SFW, wholesome types of pleasure and happiness. Since it was some pervert who sent me the link, though, I knew this was going to be a more masturbatory type of joy.

Sure enough, AcmeJoy.com is a purveyor of fine sex toys for men, women and couples. They’ve been around for half a decade now, helping folks get off harder than they might with just the usual fingers, fists, dicks and other all-natural body parts. In fact, they’re actually running a five-year anniversary sale right now, which is one of the reasons I thought it’d be a great moment to review the joint. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find my next plastic and silicone addiction. I guess you’ll know if my reviews dry out for a while, because man, a good pocket pussy or automated cock sucker can really destroy my productivity. Wish me luck, fuckers!

Putting the Joy in Acme Joy

AcmeJoy makes a strong impression right away with their sparkly clean, brightly lit layout. Some sex shops look and smell kind of funky, online and in the real world, but Acme Joy’s painting themselves as classy outfit. It’s not a super fancy layout, but it’s a more visually appealing front-page catalog than the bulky promo graphics over at FleshLight.com, at least in this porn webmaster’s opinion.

Speaking of Fleshlight, it looks like Acme might be one of their direct competitors. The first gadgets I see are very similar units, with fleshy holes built into lightsaber-looking handles. The catalog does seem to be a bit more diverse than Fleshlight’s main offerings, though, as a little bit of scrolling brought me to telescoping, vibrating dildos, butthole vibrators, side saddle sex dolls, penis pumps and taint teasers.

If I had to categorize their prices, I’d say AcmeJoy.com offers solidly mid-priced sex toys. Some of the bigger sex dolls can get pricey, but most of the front-page offerings are under a hundo. That includes the automated vacuum penis pumps, 6-mode automated cocksuckers and realistic, remote-controlled vibrating dildos. Conversely, I don’t see many of the low-end offerings you find on some of the cheaper sex toy shops. The cheapest thing out front is a fourteen-dollar penis ring, while entry-level strokers start at around thirty-bucks.

I mentioned the five-year anniversary “Sale-Bration” they’re running, which includes up to 30% off some of their products. The shop runs a lot of promo offers, so it’s worth checking out the deals sliding by the top of the front page. Another promo they’re running right now offers forty or ninety bucks off a sex doll, depending on what the original price was. There’s also a whole B3G1F section. I found out when I clicked that the acronym stands for Buy 2 Get the 3rd Free, and they’ve got nearly 60 toys listed that qualify. That’s right, perverts: if you buy a 3D transparent channel vacuum suction masturbator and a 10-frequency vibration pea cannon automatic suction stroker masturbation cup, you can have that 6.9” single-channel deep oral sex masturbator for free. Talk about a deal!

They also offer free shipping on orders over $72. It’s kind of a weird number, but I’m sure they did some math on their end that makes it make sense. Given Acme Joy’s overall mid-level pricing, it shouldn’t be difficult to get your package shipped free. They mention discreet packaging, which is standard; I’ve never received a box that said FAKE VAGINA FOR MASTURBATORS INSIDE, except one time from my dad. The refund and exchange policy is similarly standard, so don’t expect to return a toy after you’ve put your dick in it or shoved it up your pooper.

Let’s Talk About These Toys

In case I haven’t yet made it clear, AcmeJoy.com’s got a nice, wide variety of sex toys. They’re grouped broadly For Men, For Women, Male Enhancement and Anal Toys, with a separate aisle for their two AcmeJoy branded lubes. (They’re both water-based and come in 8.5 ounce bottles, with the ultra-thick version costing an extra dollar.)

Since I’m a dude and I know most of my readers are also dudes, I checked out the Men’s section first. They’ve got about a hundred different gizmos and gadgets aimed at horny guys, including electronic and manual masturbation cups, blowjob toys and sex dolls.

If you want my opinion, the e-masturbation cups are the real stars of the product line. They comprise nearly half of Acme Joy’s male toy catalog, and come with all kinds of gimmicks and variations. I’m intrigued by the Tornado vibrators, which have a big, protruding, well-knobbed cup that reminds me of a flower. Most of the others have that familiar Fleshlight look, with various styles of fake pussies and mouths built in, plus vibration, thrusting and sucking.

If you’ve been watching my PornDudeCasting movies recently, you may have seen me fucking around with The Handy, which I’ve also reviewed here at ThePornDude. I think the Handy is fucking great, but I bring it up here to show some of the differences between their product and AcmeJoy. For one thing, Handy is pricey compared to AcmeJoy at two hundo plus free shipping. AcmeJoy also has the advantage when it comes to variety, since Handy only offers one automated stroker with a variety of attachments. The differences are wide enough that I’m not even sure I’d call them direct competitors. There’s certainly room in my bedside drawer for both brands.

AcmeJoy also has realistic sex dolls starting at a few hundred bucks. None of them are the full-body models you’d buy from an outfit like JoyLoveDolls, Tantaly or Real Doll, but they’ve got realistic, fleshy T&A and fuckable orifices. If you’ve ever wanted to fuck a sexy woman’s headless, quadruple amputated torso, this is your chance. They’ll fit in your closet easier than the bigger dolls, and you won’t have to worry about your neighbors thinking you’re moving a corpse if they see you hauling it around.

The Male Enhancement section of AcmeJoy offers penis pumps, penis rings, penis sleeves and glans trainers. I’ve never tried strapping up with a taint or testicles teaser, but they say the vibrations transfer over to your woman as you’re smashing her. AcmeJoy has user reviews, so naturally I had to take a look and see what people are saying. I’m not sure that was a great idea, because now I’m about to drop $45 on a thing that’s going to stimulate my assneck.

Get Something for Your Girl While You’re at It

I know there are some dudes out there who are intimidated by dildos and vibrators, thinking they’re never going to be able to measure up with their own non-vibrating dicks. Dudes, let me tell you that women have a lot of fun playing with these things, and that includes bringing a human lover into the fold. You can all enjoy them together. That’s why I checked out Acme Joy’s For Women section next.

There are only about 50 dildos and vibrators on the menu, which is arguably better than the shops that present you with a thousand different mediocre options. Keeping with their general scheme, they ain’t the cheapest dildos in the world, nor are they the most expensive. The priciest one I found was a 7.3 inch wired remote control electromagnetic twitching heating dildo for a buck twenty, but most of them are significantly cheaper. Hell, there’s a 6.3-incher wireless one with similar features for only $70.

At the end of the day, AcmeJoy.com is a pretty easy sex toy shop to recommend. I’d say take a look if you’re in the market for a mid-priced masturbation tool, something that won’t break the bank but will make you feel better than a ten-dollar fap sleeve that falls apart and stains your dick the first time you use it. The selection is killer and they’ve throw in enough perks to keep the penny pinchers happy. It doesn’t cost a thing to window shop, so have at it.