Kiiroo

Kiiroo describes themselves as “leaders in the sex tech/teledildonics industry since 2013,” a claim that would hold a lot less weight if they didn’t have so many perverts streaming into their website every day. Besides the eager sex toy consumers and curious window-shoppers giving them so much attention, they’ve also earned a handful of awards from such prestigious groups of perverts as XBIZ, AEVC, and Dusk. Between you and me, I’ve had a lifelong love affair with both hands, but I cheat on them all the time with the kinds of high-tech gizmos these guys are peddling.

Kiiroo.com is the Amsterdam-based company’s home on the web, where they sell a variety of high-end sex toys for men, women and couples. I found the site after exhausting that industrial barrel of lubricant I bought last week. It looks like theirs is only available in two-ounce bottles, but at least it was made for human genitalia and not farm equipment. If the girlfriend you built out of beanbags, caulk and broken dreams ain’t cutting it anymore or is starting to get crusty, maybe this is a good place to start looking for a serious upgrade.

Welcome to the Future, Pervert

Right away, it’s pretty fucking obvious this isn’t anything like the shitty little porn store where you normally buy a pocket pussy. You know the place I’m talking about, with the weird smells and the ugly girls in the peep shows, sometimes even the mystery mouths behind the glory holes. Kiiroo is a fucking classy joint. It’s clean, brightly lit and has a semi-futuristic feel.

Maybe that futuristic feel has to do with the high-tech automated dick-stroking machine they’ve put front and center at the top of the landing page. Scrolling down, I see VR headsets, sex gadgets with their own phone apps, and motorized fake pussies licensed with the images of top-shelf pornstars. There’s a Blade Runner vibe running through the whole thing, which ain’t typical at dildo stores. If you’re looking for some next-level shit to help you play with yourself, this might be it.

That kind of masturbatory innovation doesn’t necessarily come cheap. A lot of their most popular products cost over two-hundred bones. They don’t seem overpriced, though, as the prices are comparable to what you’d expect from other companies. For example, their Kiiroo Stroker has the same general design as the Classic Pink Lady Fleshlight, and they both go for $70. Kiiroo.com offers free shipping for orders over $100.

Kiiroo.com also has a blog that’s been running steadily since 2014. They’ve got articles about porno movies, VR sex games, BDSM and jacking off. It’s kind of like my blog here at ThePornDude, which you should check out if you haven’t yet. I was going to make a joke about all the things you can learn while browsing the Internet one-handed, but some of Kiiroo’s automatic wank machines can help free up both hands.

Jacking Off with No Hands

I had to take a closer look at the Keon, which they’re giving the front-page treatment right now. It’s a sleek black cylinder with a piston coming out of the top, some buttons and lights on the side, and a pink fake twat on the bottom. They’re calling it “A New Standard In Interactive Pleasure,” which is a pretty fucking classy way of saying, “The Next Thing You’re Going to Fuck While Watching Porno.”

Every masturbation toy goes hand-in-hand with watching your favorite threesomes and anal scenes, but the Keon strokes your dick in time to “an extensive list of interactive erotic content produced by some of the world’s leading adult sites.” Pornhub’s even got Keon-compatible smut. There are a surprising number of porn flicks out there that work with Kiiroo dick massagers.

The video preview for this thing makes a pretty compelling case for spending $249 on a gift for myself right now. The product spins around, showing off how the Speed and Length buttons control the thrust of the fake pussy. The fake pussy, incidentally, is Kiiroo’s RealFeel Stroker, included with the Keon.

You can jerk off with this thing while watching dirty movies, you can jerk off with it while you daydream about your cousin, or you can jerk off with it interactively with a partner. They’re big on teledildonics at Kiiroo.com, so couples can use their paired sex toys to fool around across any distance.

Various Options for Getting Off

The Keon isn’t Kiiroo’s first and only automatic masturbation machine. There’s also the Titan, which doesn’t come with a removable Stroker but does have over 4,000 compatible adult movies. While the Keon actually strokes you off, the Titan works its magic by engulfing your boner and vibrating all over it.

I was excited to see it bundled with a VR headset and some lube as the Titan VR Experience. Upon closer inspection, it looks like it would have been an easier sell a couple of years ago. It’s only about $50 more than the Titan by itself, but I think that might be too much. The headset is the kind you slip your phone into, which is a little outdated now. On the other hand, Oculus Quest doesn’t come with a boner vibration unit. Decision, decisions!

There’s a Titan by Kiiroo Feel Pornstars Experience for a few bucks more than the regular entry model. I wasn’t sure what the difference was at first, but it looks like it’s actually an identical product. This one just comes in a box printed with girls like Asa Akira, Jessica Drake and Bobbi Eden, and comes bundled with some points you can use on the FeelPornstars website. I crunched the numbers and it does save you a few bucks on the credits, so it’s the better option if you’re going to be using that website.

Somewhere between the Keon and the Titan is the ONYX+. It’s got a lot of the same compatibility with porn content and teledildonic lovers, and the main difference again is how it stimulates your junk. This one has a Real-Feel sleeve that automatically contracts up and down on your ding dong.

In case you were wondering, there’s a FeelPornstar package with the ONYX+ as well. They do go a step further than just putting some video sluts on the box, though. The Asa Akira and Lisa Ann strokers have their signatures on the product itself, while the Jessica Drake and Romi Rain models are printed with images of the babes. Again, it seems like a silly gimmick when they’re not actually modeled after their pussies, but the included credits are a better value than buying them from FeelPornstar.

One thing I really like about both the ONYX+ and the Titan is they have replacement sleeves available. Reusability is one of the biggest factors in purchasing a sex toy. The sleeves dramatically increase the lifespans of the Kiiroo gadgets, while also adding a level of customization. Tenga could learn a thing or two from Kiiroo, because for real, their Flip series could really use swappable innards.

Vibrators and Couples Sets, Too

I won’t spend too much time on the vibrators for chicks since I know most of my visitors have wieners. Like their gadgets for men, they’re sleek and powerful, with multiple vibration settings. They start at around $100, which is a lot cheaper than a divorce.

The Couples section of Kiiroo.com explains more about how their teledildonics work if you’re trying to bang somebody across the Internet. The couples toy sets are definitely worth a look if you’re in the market for more than one Kiiroo toy, because you can get some pretty deep discounts on the bundles. The two ONYX+ bundle knocks enough off the price to appeal to a heavy masturbator like myself, who sometimes needs a backup.

Kiiroo.com’s various lines of masturbatory gizmos and gadgets are immediately appealing to anybody who really likes stimulating their own private parts, so be careful if you’re window shopping without any money in the bank. Male sex toys have really come a long way over the last decade, and Kiiroo is one of the leaders of the charge. Their automated strokers offer a tight, realistic experience that can be enhanced further with thousands of compatible pornos, and long-distance couples will love their teledildonics capabilities. I know this is going to sound cheesy as fuck, but this may be the future of jacking off.